happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
