rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
