Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
