I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
