Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
