Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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