she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You took a bar mat shot.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize