i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
