I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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