so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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