i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I did not marry a roomba.
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