after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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