Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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