They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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