i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize