Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
