i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
