Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
