all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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