I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
