This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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