I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
