dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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