Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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