There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
