I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize