i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
