Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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