Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
