I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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