He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
