I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
