He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
