the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
