Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize