I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
