I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
