I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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