4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
