At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
