hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
