The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
