Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
