The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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