So drunk its hurt
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
