I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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