Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize