that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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