It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
