My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
