i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
