please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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