i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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