he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My bed smells like the plague
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
