the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
