he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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