I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
