HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
