I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
