I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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